Aries (March 21—April 19): It’s your time to shine, Aries, although I don’t see how that’s different from any other month. Maybe you should do everyone a favor and be a little less . . . yourself this month.
Lucky numbers: the low value, quiet ones
Taurus (April 20—May 20): You’re naturally stubborn in your beliefs, Taurus, so star signs and horoscopes have been deemed as “unscientific” and “bogus”—and no amount of persuasion will allow you to see the truth. Because of this, the universe has arranged a special karmic journey for you this month. Godspeed.
Lucky numbers: all of them. You’ll need the luck.
Gemini (May 21—June 20): In an unsurprising Gemini move, you’ll be caught in a bald-faced lie this month. Maybe this wouldn’t happen if you were more straightforward, but it’s too late now. Instead of pulling your usual move—blaming Saturn—you should beg for forgiveness and promise you’ll never gossip again. Because we all believed you the last time.
Lucky numbers: the imaginary ones
Cancer (June 21—July 22): Good weather is on its way, Cancer, or so they say. You haven’t experienced this yet and have spent the entire winter inside with a cold. In fact, no one has seen you for weeks. We hope you emerge soon.
Lucky numbers: negative ten degrees, eternally
Leo (July 23—August 22): You’ve had several awkward run-ins with the one person you’re trying to avoid. Maybe it’d be less uncomfortable if you were passably polite instead of exclaiming your displeasure every time you make eye contact.
Lucky Numbers: those fun ones that come with exclamation marks!
Virgo (August 23—September 22): Hobby-making has been really productive for you, Virgo. You’ve embroidered every surface in your room, you’ve made a few friendship bracelets, and now you’ve started knitting socks. By the way—how’s your dating life been?
Lucky Numbers: knit one, purl two . . .
Libra (September 23—October 22): You’ve always blended into the background, Libra, but this is your month to stand out! Try getting a dramatic haircut or an edgy face tattoo. And don’t let anyone call you “frumpy” or “bland” again—You’re not some Plain Jane! Last week you even put raisins in your oatmeal.
Lucky numbers: some boring fractions, probably
Scorpio (October 23—November 21): Scorpio, don’t you ever learn? You’ve ostracized yourself with some nasty quips. There’s no use in telling you to apologize, so I’ll just say this: trying to diffuse the tension with “no offense” and “just kidding” only makes everyone resent you. Why are you like this?
Lucky number: 666
Sagittarius (November 22—December 21): Quirkiness is an art, and you’ve almost perfected it. With your sweaters that look like they’ve been knit by a blind woman with hooks for hands, you’ve got the wardrobe down pat. Now you’re just lacking that personality aspect that money can’t buy. But you can still fake it! Carry a ukulele, ramble on about your alien abduction, and change your name to Kale Leaf. Next thing you know, Woody Allen will want you to star in his next film, Sagittarius.
Lucky numbers: all odd numbers, you little odd-ball!
Capricorn (December 22—January 19): Midterm season is your favorite time of the year, so this month has been a joy-ride for you, Capricorn. All those essays, projects, and presentations are keeping you up at night with excitement. There’s no wonder you’re the most entertaining person at a party.
Lucky Number: 100%
Aquarius (January 20—February 18): Who are you again? Just kidding. Except that’s the question that’s been weighing on everyone’s mind this month, Aquarius. They’re just too embarrassed to ask. Try speaking in third-person to help them out.
Lucky numbers: I honestly can’t remember!
Pisces (February 19—March 20): Your birthday was a wild ride, Pisces. Cake, attention, and presents. And the best part—All that social interaction left you with a bulk of embarrassing moments, so you can think back on them and cringe for the rest of the year!
Lucky Numbers: thousands and thousands of heart-wrenching memories