Pisces (February 19—March 20): Happy birthday, Pisces! As Jupiter oscillates in a random direction, you’ll experience surges of rage and suspicion. There’s no reason to rationalize these feelings. Channel them into a subtle passive-aggressiveness that will keep your friends on their toes.
Compatible partner: Scorpio
Aries (March 21—April 19): Two months into the year, and you still haven’t followed a single one of your New Year’s resolutions, Aries. Mercury will be in retrograde this month, which is as sure a sign as any that you should quit while you’re ahead. You wouldn’t have been any good at yoga anyway.
Compatible partner: Aquarius
Taurus (April 20—May 20): Valentine’s Day was a lonely ride for you, Taurus, after you deleted Tinder on a whim. Maybe you should lose the “single and loving it” mantra. It just brings more attention to the problem.
Compatible partner: Don’t bother.
Gemini (May 21—June 20): The moon is in a “balsamic” phase this month, Gemini, but unfortunately no one really knows what that means. Try cooking with less vinegar or something.
Compatible partner: Aquarius–who else would enjoy bland, tasteless food?
Cancer (June 21—July 22): Congrats — another miserable month of letting people step all over you, Cancer. Why don’t you just forget this “compassion” nonsense like the rest of us?
Compatible partner: Pisces
Leo (July 23—August 22): Saturn is brighter this month than usual, Leo, which means your money problems will suddenly fade away. However, the incoming cash flow comes with a realm of risk—extortions, kidnappings, and threats on your life. Good thing you’re oblivious to danger, Leo, because most people would be worried.
Compatible partner: Sagittarius
Virgo (August 23—September 22): It’s a lucky month for you, Virgo. As Pluto enters your seventh house of astrology or something fun like that, the object of your desire will finally reciprocate your feelings. You’re a natural pessimist, but don’t ruin this with suspicion. Try to genuinely enjoy something for once!
Compatible partner: Capricorn
Libra (September 23—October 22): It’s a new year, Libra, and let’s hope for your sake that it brings some sort of change. Anything. Literally anything would be better than the monotony that consumes you. Maybe try speed dating?
Compatible partner: Gemini
Scorpio (October 23—November 21): Given that your star sign is closely linked to Satan, you’ve had a hard time making intimate connections with other people. It’s time you tried putting yourself out there. Don’t bother with introductions—a tender hug will help you form instant bonds with strangers.
Compatible partner: Beelzebub
Sagittarius (November 22—December 21): Love is in your corner this month, Sagittarius. Too bad you’re a cynic who doesn’t subscribe to the concept of love. Whatever—you’ll have more fun reciting your dog-eared copy of The Catcher in the Rye out an open window anyway.
Compatible partner: Aries
Capricorn (December 22—January 19): You’ve been gossiping again, Capricorn. Maybe it’s time to stop meddling in the business of others and focus on your own life. Or at least what’s left of it.
Compatible partner: other Capricorns. Breed them.
Aquarius (January 20—February 18): Good thing you’re used to being forgotten, Aquarius, because nothing notable will occur for you this month.
Compatible partner: Don’t make me laugh.